Bounce Baby Bounce

Bounce little girl

Oh - How high? How high??

You my boss man, man?

Should I reach the sky

Oh, I think I can!

'Cause you say, papa boy

And I am your toy!

So I need to please you

Like this wee train, "choo, choo"

Toot when you say

Come to you and play

'Cause you the man, eh?

Yeah, you the man!

You know better

You'll write the letter

The story of my life

'Cause I wouldn't know

Where to be or go

Who am I?

I gotta ask you

'Cause I don't have a clue

Inside I know

For now I play the role

Hiding from you

While I find my soul.....

While I find my soul.  

cailin raine

 Un-stop My Voice!

un-stop my voice

and watch heaven rejoice

earth recoils in laughter

but people remember ever-after

watch their faces ~ empty spaces

erupt and ripple ~ spread and tickle

oh they're joyful! what an eye-full

here I am ~ I stand on stage

caring not of beauty or of age

listen! come to me and gather

my words, my mind, I'd rather

give it all to you friend.....

spread my hands out to lend

my soul, I bare it well

it's all that's left

it's all that's left

there is the smell of emptiness

oh do not partake of my pain

that drifts around ~ watch it bound

sing its song! take in its sound

but shun the sting ~ only sing!

until you feel my spirit

and then...... heal

cailin raine

On Depression

 

On Depression

They think I am strong

But they are so wrong

The hours and days are long...

While waiting for life's song

Wildhood

Remember when we hiked trails

Camped under exquisite stars

Now we are campfire strong

Full Moon Circle

Me in my nightie on the back porch.

On a cold February night.

Clear circle around the moon.

Seemed like a gift to me.

It was just immense!

I stood in awe.

Lifted arms.

I prayed.

"Thanks."

Beach Memories

Rolled up denim jeans.

Toes pressed against soft, wet sand.

Sweet sunset glimmers.

cailin raine

Copyright©ColleenWeber

To Little Flower

 White delphiniums reaching to the sky

Tall candles burning, calling you and I

Needing to rejoin — to conquer life's refrain

Joining mother — daughter in

Everlasting refrain.

Was it karma from before? that broke us

Shut the door? — what misunderstanding

Took you from my side — some other mother

Molding you and others as your guide.

Nothing ever felt the same, nothing ever will

Life has lost its lustre, long ago my heart was still

Now I feel the loss — the same as years ago

It worms its way to everywhere, it kills, it creeps, it shows.

There is no happiness for me, you may not know the depth

Of love my mother heart was full, you kept me in this life

You were the reason I shouldered on, through depravity and strife

You still live within my soul — I pray for you to see

That tomorrow is another day and you might wish to be

By my side again to find connection, meaning, to be free

Of past hurts and history that need not keep you away

Forgiveness is the ending rhyme and kindness yearns to stay.

Daughter light the candle and watch the flowers growing high

They give of their beauty and towards the sky they fly

Let the god-light shimmer in your soul and in your eyes

Lift your heart to heaven and hear my silent cries.

White delphiniums reaching to the sky

Tall candles burning, calling you and I

Needing to rejoin, to conquer life's refrain

Joining mother-daughter in

Everlasting refrain.

for my daughter Tanis who is my little flower, missing you and loving you forever, Mom

The Pieces Left Behind

I try to pick up the pieces ~ the ones all left behind

The crumbs are stuck and crawling, and starting to unwind

I’ve lost control to messiness ~ its soul is everywhere

It’s in the shadows casting, and in my windblown hair.

 

This stickiness has covered me ~ I’m in a war torn state

My mind if failing sadly, I fear it is my fate

I try to organize my work ~ but thoughts are fuzzy blue

They say we’re old and useless, I fear that might be true.

 

Where are my hearts, the old ones ~ who accompanied my past

Where are those sighs of happiness, could nothing ever last?

What is this awful torment ~ that never does unwind

Where are my rays of sunshine, the ones I cannot find?

 

The dribble runs, the juices leak ~ my cup becomes so full

But then I spill the contents, and find a bunch of bull (shit)

There must be a message ~ I am missing from the past

The clouds come way too soon it seems, the sky is overcast.

 

How I cry for healing balm ~ those nights I lie and burn

The thunder comes and conquers, and I recoil in turn

The incense from the past takes flight ~ its essence seeming foul

My dreams are all a-fog, the swell of fury in my soul.

 

Stars shine bright, moon beams down ~ but me? I cannot see

The rays that would have healed me, this light just cannot be.

I lift my face to search the sky ~ and feel the gentle rain

The tiny raindrops on my arms might sweep away my pain.

 

They touch my skin so gently ~ there is something in their trace

A love that seeps so sweetly, and now I see its Face!

A Source that lives within the sun ~ and behind all the clouds

It’s come to lift me up again with a voice both sweet and loud.

 

Declaring that there never is ~ a time when all is lost

Reminding me to walk My Path, no matter how I’m tossed.

What calm, Whose Hands, what fragrance ~ might heal, touch and caress?

What Golden alter waits for me, to kneel, weep and confess?

 

I’ve lain my life upon the ground ~ been trampled, torn, and pushed

Now all I want is silence, and that all the world be hushed.

My woman soul is longing for ~ my roots now hard to find

Lost in the crumbs and pieces, that all got left behind.

 

I hope, I pray, I sweat, I try ~ so many feel alone

We feel it in our skin, our minds, our blood and every bone.

Come with me, when you can ~ and knit the ties that bind

Rest a while and sing with me, ‘bout the pieces left behind.

Copyright©ColleenWeber

 

 

 

 

 

Honey I Don't Take Orders

 awakened into cold tendrils of air

snaking their way under cold sheets

sleepily I feel my skin and find

no warmth there, just iciness

and I wonder again if I might be dead

why do I find myself inside a kind

of weirdness where the "rules" say, Suffer!

wait..... wait.... for hours for any kind of comfort

why were they schooled with rule books

what purpose?     still they cling to a Force

long dead now, I would have rebelled

the only thing that saved me was my anger

yes, I was assured that, without my NO!

I would not have survived at all — as in

"Honey I don't take orders; I barely take suggestions"

I strive for any type of normalcy

Shove, shove the silliness from my mind

yes I am still alive and I can strive

to make my words mean something

to make myself whole and show the world

who I am

cailin raine

Copyright©ColleenWeber

I Am Cailin Raine

I am cailin raine

This is my pen name for writing

That is one thing that I can say

I grew up colleen weber and that never did

Seem right

It was kind of empty and too short or something

And kind of like my mom had omitted a part of me

Turns out she did.

I know that I have Genoe blood in me

And Carr, I dream of being related to Emily

Wow, a real gal that one, a writer

Like me.

Turns out mom had a period of time

When she was not all happy about her life

Maybe the farm chores and little kids at home

Maybe too much housework and cleaning up “after”

Maybe the romance had waned, got lost in the shuffle

Cows are not always cute, they make messes in the barn.

Women all have a secret “inner girl” that really shines bright

But most of the time no one sees that “real” girl and she is

Lonely.

Maybe that was when John saw that girl inside of my mom

And for a brief time that brought her joy.

Can’t believe that sixty-three years passed before I knew

Could not believe at first, still seems like a dream

But it is a real dream, and I regret only that I did not get to

Know him.

Printed out a blow up of his picture, from the one with six brothers

My uncles, and they could have been my friends

Put my Kimberley Rock picture beside this new one

My father.

We look alike, and the picture of my grandma Laura

Speaks to me, she speaks to me, that amused expression

I see it all the time in the mirror, when I am not going to tell anyone

What I think is funny. 

She has that same look in her eyes, my friend saw it right off.

What a time when we all go home and have that big reunion

Can’t wait to see my other family there, and on the other side

Everyone will just simply understand, because life is messy

Just like the cows in the barn, life doesn’t stay neat and tidy.

Sometimes we get really messed up, and then we need some help

To rearrange, to regroup, to haul ourselves up one more time

And get ourselves around the next bend.

So now I have a whole lot of names, I gave myself a new legal name

August Colleen Raine, there is Genoe, there is Weber because I have

My dad who raised me, I can never forget my dad who I grew up loving

But now I know there is Graham because that is who my father is…

I always wanted a tartan, turns out I do have a beautiful green one!

So now I have to integrate my whole being, my whole life

Into a conglomerate that encompasses the whole story.

(Oh, I went to a psychic, and quite a few were present in the room.  The male father energy that showed up, larger than life… was John; I think he wants me to call him John.  I felt his caring and his love.)

And I should also say, that conglomerate, that valley girl, she is ok.

August Colleen Cailin Raine Graham Genoe Weber