I Am Cailin Raine

I am cailin raine

This is my pen name for writing

That is one thing that I can say

I grew up colleen weber and that never did

Seem right

It was kind of empty and too short or something

And kind of like my mom had omitted a part of me

Turns out she did.

I know that I have Genoe blood in me

And Carr, I dream of being related to Emily

Wow, a real gal that one, a writer

Like me.

Turns out mom had a period of time

When she was not all happy about her life

Maybe the farm chores and little kids at home

Maybe too much housework and cleaning up “after”

Maybe the romance had waned, got lost in the shuffle

Cows are not always cute, they make messes in the barn.

Women all have a secret “inner girl” that really shines bright

But most of the time no one sees that “real” girl and she is

Lonely.

Maybe that was when John saw that girl inside of my mom

And for a brief time that brought her joy.

Can’t believe that sixty-three years passed before I knew

Could not believe at first, still seems like a dream

But it is a real dream, and I regret only that I did not get to

Know him.

Printed out a blow up of his picture, from the one with six brothers

My uncles, and they could have been my friends

Put my Kimberley Rock picture beside this new one

My father.

We look alike, and the picture of my grandma Laura

Speaks to me, she speaks to me, that amused expression

I see it all the time in the mirror, when I am not going to tell anyone

What I think is funny. 

She has that same look in her eyes, my friend saw it right off.

What a time when we all go home and have that big reunion

Can’t wait to see my other family there, and on the other side

Everyone will just simply understand, because life is messy

Just like the cows in the barn, life doesn’t stay neat and tidy.

Sometimes we get really messed up, and then we need some help

To rearrange, to regroup, to haul ourselves up one more time

And get ourselves around the next bend.

So now I have a whole lot of names, I gave myself a new legal name

August Colleen Raine, there is Genoe, there is Weber because I have

My dad who raised me, I can never forget my dad who I grew up loving

But now I know there is Graham because that is who my father is…

I always wanted a tartan, turns out I do have a beautiful green one!

So now I have to integrate my whole being, my whole life

Into a conglomerate that encompasses the whole story.

(Oh, I went to a psychic, and quite a few were present in the room.  The male father energy that showed up, larger than life… was John; I think he wants me to call him John.  I felt his caring and his love.)

And I should also say, that conglomerate, that valley girl, she is ok.

August Colleen Cailin Raine Graham Genoe Weber

The Yellow House

It came to me in a dream, out of a book, playing with my mind

Blond yellow brick strutting its verandah with a big maple right beside

Honeysuckle vines twine high up the wooden posts lending their

Sweet fragrance wafting towards the open kitchen window.

Butterflies dance around the buddleia bush, casting an ethereal

Dreamlike lull to the homey scene — my bare feet skim the grass

There is a big glass jar on the porch, left there to catch fireflies

And lanterns adorn the edge of the garden full of perennials.

White lace stirs inside the open window, whispering a secret

“You belong here”… and my heart answers and my mind opens

There is a long rail fence ambling its way up the field by the laneway

It is August, and a little dry, a dusty feel to everything, but the breeze

Blows softly and freshens my soul, I quicken with the essence

Of this place, this dream, a foretelling of where I am to be.

Behind the house near the old well there is a rock garden

Patches of basil, rosemary, sage and thyme spill over the edges

Parsley, mint and chives adorn the stone ornaments softly

I sit with my back against the huge flat rock and let the sun

Cast its strength upon me, I lift my face and smile for I am ready

To let his arms enfold me and at last — feel his kiss awake me.

cailin raine

Removing All The Fetters

Does he try?

To crummify, ….my life

I resent his entrance

Spoiling my chances

At solitude and Quiet

“Cook his food, yes fry it!”

Just as HE likes

No more romantic hikes

Why do I do it?

I think I really blew it

My brains! Far out!  They flew it — (the coop)

All the way to Mars

And I don’t mean the bars

Oh to go way back

And just throw out the lack

Bring in abundance

Money, love, and dance

To have another chance

My life at last enhanced

With art and poem and story

Oh take in all the Glory

To talk and be sincere

And throw out all the beer (his)

Making faces silly, talking willy-nilly

Hockey, news, and stocks

Brings boredom on the scene

And I just wish I’d been

Smarter, earlier, better
Observing all the "weather"!

Hell yes! Shed them fetters

Sweeter with my letters

Removing all the blocks

Then talk the talk

And walk the walk

Yes I could shine

Take what is mine

Been the best

Join poetry-fest

Claim the nerve

And show some verve

Not hide away

Come out to play

Shout the sound

Stomp the ground

Un-stop my voice

And yes — Rejoice!!

cailin raine

Un-Stop My Voice

Un-stop my voice

Watch heaven rejoice

Earth recoils in laughter

But people remember ever-after

Watch their faces, empty spaces

Erupt and ripple, spread and tickle

Oh they’re joyful, what an eye-full

Here I am, I stand on stage

Caring not of beauty or of age

Listen! Come to me and gather

My words. My mind. I’d rather

Give it all to you friend

Spread my hands out to lend

My soul — I bare it well

It’s all that’s left...

There is the smell of emptiness

Oh do not partake of my pain

That drifts around, watch it bound

Sing its song, take in the sound

This new laughter I have found

So shun the sting, only sing

Until you feel my Spirit

Come within, feel my embrace

Take these words amid this place

Trust my heart for it is full

Taste these waters, drink the lull

It is my gift to you my friend

So let it heal.

November 15th, 2015

revised May 31st, 2020

august colleen raine

is cailin raine

Dance

You dance

 by me

 inhaling each breath

A living thing

movements almost dreamlike

your energy awakening

A focus  within

concentrated warmth

my guardian of shadows

Spirit of dance

into your haven escort me

in song and sorrow

For in you

 I am transformed

released

realized

Whole at last

(In memory of a young friend who was finding her way in the world as only the innocent can)

Dance sweet one whom I admire,

envy, love

As you move I watch your arms flow outward

Enveloping a world of femininity

Reaching out and quickening in delight

Towards a horizon neither of us

Knows.

Oh!  Dance!

Am I to watch your grace and not feel?

Am I to sit and let your fragrance impel me?

Shall I keep my heartbeat to myself

Or let my blood flow out in boldness to you

My friend, I know you

I smell your body and your hair

Familiar with your touch and the feel of

Your skin alive in the gentle glow of bedside light

Almost ready for a real love

For now experimenting with girl-woman delight

Delectable you are in flowing gown

Dancing and flowing still

Like the very blood of my veins

And of my soul.

                 Oh, my love, Dance!        

(these are her words edited by me)              

Ireland, Oh Ireland!

Oh, Ireland, isle of faeries

Leprechauns and yarns

How I yearn to see your greenness

And tread past thatched barns

Your dirt paths lead to the Cliffs of Moher

Where the Atlantic thrashes wild

I stoop to touch the wild sweet flowers

And breathe the breezes mild

I am sheltered under aspen trees

As I rest my weary feet

I stand to see the crashing waves

And I gaze o’er roaring seas

Your legends dance within my mind

Your stories graze my soul

You touch places in me never seen

As your church bells swing and toll

You’ve always lived within my veins

I’ve loved you isle of green

No better land, sea or mountains

In this world ever seen

So come ye little people!

And take me by the hand

Show me your treasures, hidden gems

I’ll wear my Irish band!

cailin raine

Blood Moon 2020

My body slows from ache and angst
My limbs heavier and sullen
I snail towards the bed and
Lie in relief and exhaustion
This subtle change has crept its way
From slight to limiting to omnipresent
At first a slowing down of daily pace
And now an unrelenting murderous force
Stealing away my life.

I will not give up.
When I walk the beach shore now
I stop more often
I sit on more stones
And I gaze longer at the sun's shimmer
Lazing along the water's grace.

How much longer can I come to this place?
I can imagine walking
Far past the horizon which is now glowing red

I have come through haze, and dust, that trickled

Inside moments which needed to be happy ones

The chaff and the prickles marring my way.

I have come through lost love and people who turned from me

Just when I was loving them the most …

I have walked alone too many times and my heart burns

I tried my best and now it seems I only faltered and failed.

I look towards the sunset and it feels like it might be my last

But does God want to give me one more chance?

There will be a day when the healing comes

Maybe a red day when everyone must notice

For the writing is in the sky for all to see.

A Red Day to show us a better path towards the Sun.

cailin raine

A Prayer

Take me back to nature and my roots beneath the trees

Show me leaves of crimson as I bend on humble knees

I reach again to words of gold to express what's in my heart

Why ever did I stumble, fall ... why did I ever start...

To listen to the words of cruel and selfish, little beings

Those lost in fields of wilderness, those bent on being mean

Oh I pray for them to see the truth, to open up their eyes

I stand upon the mountain top embracing cerulean skies

My heart is open wide to answers from angelic spirits sweet

They hold my heart upon their wings and cherish every beat

We dance to the magic that is present in each hour

The blue skies fold, the clouds shed tears of healing in their shower

Love is cast then o'er the earth, rain washes us so clean

We reach our arms in thankfulness, the Truth is finally seen

We rest amid our gardens where red roses burst to bloom

Souls linger on the hills to watch ... the Lord is coming soon

Past ways are tossed, long hurts give way, we leave it all behind

Forgiveness shines a beauty and love is pure divine

The mean and petty ways dissolve, no strength is left in them

We hold our people in our arms, no more sin left to condemn

dedicated to all dealing with the threat of Covid-19

God Bless Us All

cailin raine