I am cailin raine
This is my pen name for writing
That is one thing that I can say
I grew up colleen weber and that never did
Seem right
It was kind of empty and too short or something
And kind of like my mom had omitted a part of me
Turns out she did.
I know that I have Genoe blood in me
And Carr, I dream of being related to Emily
Wow, a real gal that one, a writer
Like me.
Turns out mom had a period of time
When she was not all happy about her life
Maybe the farm chores and little kids at home
Maybe too much housework and cleaning up “after”
Maybe the romance had waned, got lost in the shuffle
Cows are not always cute, they make messes in the barn.
Women all have a secret “inner girl” that really shines
bright
But most of the time no one sees that “real” girl and she is
Lonely.
Maybe that was when John saw that girl inside of my mom
And for a brief time that brought her joy.
Can’t believe that sixty-three years passed before I knew
Could not believe at first, still seems like a dream
But it is a real dream, and I regret only that I did not get
to
Know him.
Printed out a blow up of his picture, from the one with six
brothers
My uncles, and they could have been my friends
Put my Kimberley Rock picture beside this new one
My father.
We look alike, and the picture of my grandma Laura
Speaks to me, she speaks to me, that amused expression
I see it all the time in the mirror, when I am not going to
tell anyone
What I think is funny.
She has that same look in her eyes, my friend saw it right
off.
What a time when we all go home and have that big reunion
Can’t wait to see my other family there, and on the other
side
Everyone will just simply understand, because life is messy
Just like the cows in the barn, life doesn’t stay neat and
tidy.
Sometimes we get really messed up, and then we need some
help
To rearrange, to regroup, to haul ourselves up one more time
And get ourselves around the next bend.
So now I have a whole lot of names, I gave myself a new
legal name
August Colleen Raine, there is Genoe, there is Weber because
I have
My dad who raised me, I can never forget my dad who I grew
up loving
But now I know there is Graham because that is who my father is…
I always wanted a tartan, turns out I do have a beautiful
green one!
So now I have to integrate my whole being, my whole life
Into a conglomerate that encompasses the whole story.
(Oh, I went to a psychic, and quite a few were present in
the room. The male father energy that
showed up, larger than life… was John; I think he wants me to call him
John. I felt his caring and his love.)
And I should also say, that conglomerate, that valley girl, she is ok.
August Colleen Cailin Raine Graham Genoe Weber
It was April 29th, 2017 when I knew for sure. I had done my DNA with Ancestry.ca after my birthday in August of 2016. I had surgery that fall and was months recuperating. When I did sit up long enough to start exploring on Ancestry it struck me that I was not "receiving" all the Weber cousins in my matches, the same as my sister Carol Mann. And the centimorgans were not the right amount for my matches — they were closer to half what they should have been. Finally I had a visit at the Mann residence and the conversation eased into ancestry. Pretty soon I discovered that they had already reached the conclusion that I (me of course!) had a different father. My niece Janice is a genealogist and had studied the whole situation extensively. There was only one explanation. My father was a second cousin to the dad that I grew up with. More and more all the details played out. I said that I would totally believe it when another sibling showed up on my profile. Because of some of my sister's memories in the valley, along with the facts shown online, we knew the identity of my biological father. He was John Graham. My sister had gone to school with his daughter Betty Anne and remembered John and also his son Larry who in the meantime had met an old family friend of ours, Helen Merrifield. They married in 2017. Larry had done his DNA after his children gave him a DNA kit for Christmas. It was a Saturday morning in April of 2017 when I sat down at my computer and brought up my profile. Normally there was my one sibling beneath me on my page, of course Carol. This time I also had L.G. sitting right under her. I sat there and stared at the screen for what might have been hours for all I know. It was right there before my eyes, and who I thought I had been for all of my life, shifted into a whole different story. My immediate regret was not knowing all these people who were my family. Especially John. He died in 1984, the year I turned 31. I had 3 decades when I could have spent time with him. It is not an easy transition, and God knows the rest of my life has been a series of hurtles, and struggles, and heart ache. But I do believe there is a reason for everything..... "there is a crack, a crack, in everything — that's how the light gets in". So now I proceed in life as best I can, but it is not easy. Acceptance is a kind of healing. There are little shreds of comfort here and there, like when I visit a grave stone. My grandma Laura's mom and dad, Thompson Wilson and Anzonetta Cheesman are buried in the cemetery next to Grey Highlands school, so close to where I studied and laughed and sang and cheered and grew up! My grandma Lila and grandpa Lewis Genoe are there also, so it is especially cherished ground. I know their spirits are free and I see my grandma Laura often in the mirror when my hair is up and that certain expression reminds me of the mystery and the unexpected turns and bends in our road called life. There is more to the journey — maybe the best is yet to come.
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